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Male, Successful, Intimately Frustrated?

February 1, 2010  |  Men's Coaching Blog
Being intimately frustrated is certainly not an accident. It happens because some things you’re doing and not doing lead to it. You may think that the reason why you are intimately frustrated is rather straightforward. In most cases it is not. Intimate frustration accumulates due to a combination of factors. And you can certainly influence a lot of them.  So how do you get integrated, at one with yourself, all of a piece, your body and mind in agreement? How can you get congruent so that you start attracting intimate fulfilment? Here’re some handy tips:

Be real

  • Ask yourself: “Does what I’m doing align with my sense of who I am?”
  • Allow your natural humor to let rip more often.
  • Be more your own boss.

Improve your state

  • Create environments which support your purpose.
  • Continue to improve your physical flexibility.
  • Explore the physical feeling of when you’re congruent.
  • Also explore a variety of self-nurturing activities such as massage, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, Alexander Technique, cranial osteopathy, yoga, Tai Chi, Reiki.
  • Notice your physiology. Strengthen your internal state. Become more centered by practising keeping focus.
  • Have greater respect for your body.
  • Relax.

Address obstacles

  • Ask yourself what you’re afraid of when you avoid something.
  • Explore your fears and phobias.
  • Look at areas of self-doubt and inhibition.
  • Release negative emotions.
  • Do an inventory of your limiting beliefs in each main area of your life.

Resolve internal conflicts

  • Become more aware of the sights, sounds, feelings of when and how specifically you’re congruent / incongruent.
  • Explore incongruence: what happens when you tell a lie? How do you feel? What does your physiology do?
  • Also keep asking ‘what specifically do I need to become more congruent?’.
  • Identify instances of conflict in your dreams and revisit them to resolve them.
  • SCORE as often as you can = identify the symptoms, causes, outcomes, resources, and effects of incongruent behaviors to resolve them.
  • Integrate parts of you that are in conflict.
  • Give nonverbal communications that match your words.

Resolve conflicts with others

  • Find new responses to people’s incongruence.
  • Get curious about the positive intentions of people’s actions.
  • Learn to look at issues from many angles.
  • Write to a person with whom you’re in conflict. Offer to explain rather than blame.

Notice what works

  • Notice things and situations which increase your congruence and do them more.
  • Pay more attention to the ‘trivial’ and ‘mundane’.
  • Review your goals regularly. Are they current and appropriate?
  • Review your experiences. Ask yourself ‘how did I achieve what I have?’.

Do what matters

  • Set clear well formed outcomes to which you’re committed.
  • Keep asking ‘what do I want?’. What do you want to look back on in your 90s and say ‘I’ve lived as I wished, my life has been meaningful and made a difference for the better’?.
  • Commit to developing clear outcomes and act accordingly. The better you get at this, the better you will be able to help others.
  • Play wholeheartedly without wondering whether you’re too old or what others think.
  • Tell the truth even if it may be cruel or unpleasant.
  • Do what you believe in.
  • Express what you REALLY want in a difficult situation.
  • Keep (even unspoken) promises to yourself and others.
  • Do more of what you enjoy and less of what you ‘should’.
  • Say no to things you don’t enjoy.
  • Turn down an offer of work that you don’t want to do.
  • Take control of choosing whether you’ll do things instead of being influenced by peer pressure.
  • Work with congruence as an outcome.
  • Speak / stay silent when you feel the desire to.
  • Mentally rehearse congruent behavior prior to a challenging event.
  • Develop creativity.
  • Tell stories and allow your unconscious free expression.
  • Use metaphor and image more. Hence create a strong partnership between your conscious and unconscious mind.
  • Continually seek ways to improve the quality of your life.
  • Spend time with models of excellence in areas you need to develop.

Be more self-aware

  • Make the first and last moment in your day by focusing on ‘what has it all been for?’.
  • Be clear about your values, criteria, and actions that honor those criteria for your key roles and relationships.
  • Pace your internal responses.
  • Ask yourself ‘how’s what I’m doing an expression of who I am?’.
  • Be curious about the positive intentions of all your actions.
  • Change your internal dialogue from ‘I can’t do it’ to ‘How do I…?’ and ‘Who can help me?’.
  • Pay more attention to your dreams at day and night.
  • Do more for yourself of what you do for others.
  • Commit to continuous self-development and engage in specific ways to achieve it.
  • At the end of each day ask yourself ‘what have I learned today? What have I contributed today? What has been exquisite or fun? When was I congruent / incongruent?’.

And to start this process also consider getting some coaching. Or would you like to know anything else? Ask.

 


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