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Successful, But Intimately Frustrated?

May 1, 2008  |  Men's Coaching Blog
Being intimately frustrated is certainly not an accident. It happens because some things that men do and don’t do make it so. A man may think that the reason why he is intimately frustrated is rather straightforward. But in most cases it is not. Intimate frustration accumulates due to a combination of factors. And one can certainly influence a lot of them. So how can intimately frustrated men get integrated, at one with themselves, all of a piece, body and mind in agreement? How can they get congruent to start attracting intimate fulfilment? Here’re some handy tips:

Be real

  • Ask yourself: “Does what I do align with my sense of who I am?”
  • Allow your natural humor to let rip more often.
  • Be more your own boss.

Improve your state

  • Create environments which support your purpose.
  • Continue improving physical flexibility.
  • Explore how it physically feels when you’re congruent.
  • Also explore a variety of self-nurturing activities such as massage, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, Alexander technique, cranial osteopathy, yoga, Tai Chi, Reiki.
  • Notice your physiology. Strengthen your internal state. Practise keeping focus to become more centered.
  • Have more respect for your body.
  • Relax.

Address obstacles

  • Ask yourself what you’re afraid of when you avoid something.
  • Explore your fears and phobias.
  • Look at areas of doubt and inhibition.
  • Release negative emotions.
  • Do an inventory of your limiting beliefs in each main area of life.

What makes you intimately frustrated?

  • Is it the environment? The wife / partner or lack thereof?
  • Is it the time for intimacy or lack thereof?
  • Or is it the atmosphere for intimacy that you create or don’t create?
  • Is it what you do for or during intimacy?
  • Is it the match or mismatch of your partner’s style of intimacy?
  • Or are there perhaps beliefs around intimacy that limit it?

Resolve internal conflicts

  • Become more aware of the sights, sounds, feelings of when and how specifically you’re congruent and also incongruent.
  • Explore incongruence: what happens when you tell a lie? How do you feel? What does your physiology do?
  • Also keep asking ‘what specifically do I need to become more congruent?’.
  • Identify instances of conflict in your dreams and revisit them to resolve them.
  • SCORE as often as you can = identify the symptoms, causes, outcomes, resources, and effects of incongruent behaviors to resolve them.
  • Integrate parts of you that are in conflict.
  • Match words with nonverbal communication.

Resolve conflicts with others

  • Find new responses to people’s incongruence.
  • Get curious about the positive intentions of people’s actions.
  • Learn to look at issues from many angles.
  • Write to a person with whom you’re in conflict. Offer to explain rather than blame.

Notice what works

  • Notice things and situations which increase your congruence and do them more.
  • Pay more attention to the ‘trivial’ and ‘mundane’.
  • Regularly review your goals. Are they current and appropriate?
  • Review your experiences. Ask yourself ‘how did I achieve what I have?’.

Do what matters

  • Set clear well formed outcomes to which you’re committed.
  • Keep asking ‘what do I want?’. What do you want to look back on in your 90s and say ‘I’ve lived as I wished, my life has therefore been meaningful and made a difference for the better’?.
  • Commit to developing clear outcomes and act accordingly. The better you get at this, the better you will indeed be able to help others.
  • Play wholeheartedly without wondering whether you’re too old or what others think.
  • Tell the truth even if it may be cruel or unpleasant.
  • Do what you believe in.
  • Express what you REALLY want in a difficult situation.
  • Keep (even unspoken) promises to yourself and others.
  • Do more of what you enjoy and less of what you ‘should’.
  • Say no to things that you don’t enjoy.
  • Similarly, turn down offers of work that you don’t want to do.
  • Take control. Choose whether you’ll do things instead of being influenced by peer pressure.
  • Work with congruence as an outcome.
  • Speak or stay silent when you feel the desire to.
  • Mentally rehearse congruent behavior before a challenging event.
  • Develop creativity.
  • Tell stories and express yourself freely.
  • Use metaphor and image more. Hence create a strong partnership between the conscious and unconscious mind.
  • Continually seek ways to improve the quality of your life.
  • Spend time with models of excellence in areas which you need to develop.

Be more aware of yourself

  • Spend the first and last moment of a day on focusing on ‘what has it all been for?’.
  • Be clear about your values, criteria, and actions that honor those criteria for your key roles and relationships.
  • Pace your internal responses.
  • Ask yourself ‘how’s what I’m doing an expression of who I am?’.
  • Be curious about the positive intentions of all your actions.
  • Change your internal dialogue from ‘I can’t do it’ to ‘How can I…?’ and ‘Who can help me?’.
  • Pay more attention to your dreams at day and night.
  • Do more for yourself of what you do for others.
  • Commit to continuous self-development and engage in specific ways to achieve it.
  • At the end of each day ask yourself ‘what have I learned today? What have I contributed today? What has been exquisite or fun? When was I congruent / incongruent?’.

Intimately frustrated? You’re not alone.

And to start this process also consider getting some coaching. Or would you like to know anything else? You can certainly ask.

 


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